I put a status up a few days ago which had a few of you concerned and I just wanted to let you know that I’m fine. I’m just in a bit of a funk. Well that’s a bit of an understatement, I feel stuck in a huge funk. But it’s okay to not be okay now and again. I know that I’m hitting a low point right now, and my husband and I are dealing with the best way we can. I’m trying to be positive and I’m reminding myself daily about the things I’m grateful for, because somewhere in the back of my depression riddled brain I know I’m lucky in so many respects. But I can’t force happiness right now and I’m struggling. Something has got to change and I’m working on that. But it’s okay. It’s okay that I’m finding everything hard right now. It’s okay that my depression has reared its fucking ugly head because i have a fantastic husband who loves me. I have family and friends but right now it’s too much effort to let them in. I can barely cope with the minimum people in my life at this point.

Yes I have been living in my pyjamas. Yes, it can be days until I remember to shower or even cook an actual meal (an entire stick of garlic bread is a meal right?) and I have completely abandoned the gluten free diet that made me feel better. Online it’s so easy to pretend everything’s great, nothing to see here, move along. But I’m reaching the point when faking it is getting to be extremely arduous and tedious. I took a selfie this week, and the likes and love I got for that made me nearly cry. The fact that I got dressed and put makeup on FOR ME (not for work) was huge step and I know things are on the up. 

So if I’m quiet or don’t reply, don’t be offended just give me space. If I seem off with you I swear I’m not, I’m having a hard time controlling my emotions but I am getting better. I’m just over here digging my way out of my funk with the people who matter most to me and that’s how I need it to be. I am feeling better, but we just take each day as it comes.

So thank you, those who were concerned for me, I’m off to count my blessings and you are all a huge blessing!

 

Creative titbit: Teddy & Caleb

I’ve been working on a novel since…like forever, but I seem to have stalled at 30,000 words. So I might as well share bits from it and see if it helps me finish it. The pirate titbit was also from the same piece.

Christmas and New Year have come and gone!

I hope you’ve all  had a brilliant Christmas and New Year. This year we had a really low key Christmas as I was working Xmas Eve until 7am on Xmas morning. So I slept for a large portion of the day- which after any night shift is bliss! I didn’t get to see all of my family and friends over Christmas like I normally do, which was a bit rubbish, but I know they’re there for me no matter what and understand that I have an oddly hectic, tiring, busy life.

New Years was spent with some of my favourite people and so I know this year is going to be a good one. I’ve not made any resolutions as such because I never really stick to them- they’re always the same, loose weight, do more fun things and be happy. But I’m already happy and trying to lose weight. So this year I’m going to set myself some aims in terms of what I’m doing with my life rather than just keep drifting along.

So here are my five aims for the year:

1. Finish Teddy & Gabe’s tale – I keep waiting for them to finish it for me, but given they live in my imagination, it’s just not going to happen is it!

2. Keep working on Page One. I’ve managed to convince my partner in crime Ashleigh, (you can read her blog here: ashleighisms.wordpress.com) that once we get our blog followers up we can start a Facebook page, with giveaways and competitions alongside the usual fabulous stuff we do. But for now you can check us out here: pageonebooks.wordpress.com

3. Go to France! My husband has a family member in France and we keep saying we’re going to go but we’re always too broke. But this year is the year. I’ve had enough, we’re booking it and we’re going.

4. Go to London with the girls. I really want to see the Alice in Wonderland exhibition in London and spend the weekend drinking cocktails and shopping – so I’d better start saving now!

5. Finish a rough draft of Black Magic Girlfriend. But after I finish my other one as I’ve been working on that longer.

Have you made any resolutions or set yourself any goals? I hope this year brings you all the wealth, health and happiness you need!

 

 

 

Doogle

Like I mentioned in a previous post we’ve got a new dog. She’s called Bella, she’s a Jack Russell cross and she’s 8 months old.

Now, Bella isn’t very well trained. She doesn’t actually answer to Bella so my husband and I have just been calling her ‘Dog’ or ‘Doogle’. This seems to be sticking and we’ve decided just to call her Doogle permanently.

My sister thinks this is stupid, but her dog’s called Stiffler so she can’t really say much.

So say hi to Doogle – she’s cheeky, crafty, a little naughty and a lot cute. She enjoys napping and eating plastic. She a little mad and fits into our family perfectly.

 

Hello, I’m Hannah and I’m a Frappuccino Addict

Working night shifts really takes it toll on you and by 2am I am desperate for a pick-me up. I work next door to a Starbucks. This is a bad thing because I’m a Frappuccino addict. I would literally drink these all day, every day. But on the plus side – I get a nice discount because of where I work so at least it’s not costing me all of my wages. 

I also look forward to trying out the new seasonal coffees/hot chocolates. I have quickly decided the Gingerbread Latte with Ginger cream is not for me as it was much too sickly! If you’re a Ginger Nut biscuit fan I’d recommend though. The other two, Toffee Nut Latte and Honey and Almond Hot Chocolate, I have yet to try but as it gets colder here I’ll be swapping to something warmer than a frappuccino. 

I mean how can I resist?

Also have you guys seen the Christmas Starbucks things? They are so pretty, but let’s not kid ourselves – they’re also expensive. But if you have a fellow coffee lover in your life then these make nice little gifts. 

My Top 3 Starbucks Gifts

*These pictures are from the official Starbucks website*

1.I’m in love with the gold and silver stackable glittery mugs. You can buy these for £7.95. Here’s the gold one, isn’t it gorgeous? You couldn’t just have the one. They are little, quaint, glittery mini mugs. You can find them online here: Gold Mug. 

2. Number two on my list are the glitter tumblers. Here’s the snowman one and you can buy this one here: Snowman Tumbler. These are lovely and not too badly priced at £10.95. These are definitely for people who want a pretty cup and something nice to look at just as much as they want the coffee. 

 There is also a green one with a polar bear and this one is my favourite out of the two. You can find this one here: Polar bear Tumbler.

3. Last, but not least are the bead tumblers. These I just can’t help but like – back to the shiny addiction again I think. They also have this lovely beaded texture on them. They come in gold, silver and blue and cost £11.95. I LOVE the blue one and am tempted to buy one for my husband as it’s his favorite colour (has to be metallic blue mind you). If I didn’t mind splashing the cash, I’d buy myself the gold one.  You can find them here: Acrylic Blue Tumbler, Metallic Gold Tumbler and Metallic  Silver Tumbler. 

However, while they look metal, they are are plastic inside and this puts me off a little. Maybe it’s because if it was flask like I could almost justify the cost as a gift but since it’s plastic it doesn’t seem like it would be as effective at keeping his drinks in work warm. 

FYI I am not endorsed by Starbucks – like I said, I’m a coffee addict and usually spend my break in there, looking at all these shiny things and thought I’d just share them. Plus it smells amazing in there. They must pump coffee bean grounds into the air or something. 

 

 

 

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder… right?

I know, I know. Yet again I’ve left it ages since updating my blog. But once again I’ve had so so so much going on in my life.

Let’s start with the obvious: the dissertation.

I handed it in…. and I handed it a day early. Yayyy! I am so very relieved to have that done and out of the way. Here’s a picture of Ash and I just before we handed it in. It was a huge weight off my shoulders but it also came with a feeling of ‘what now?’. It didn’t feel real.  A year of hard work has culminated in a 20,000 word document  entitled ‘ The Evolution of Erotica in the 20th Century’. And now it’s over.

So now what? Well that bring me round to the second reason why I’ve been absent – I have a new job. Now the codes of conduct and all that jazz say I’m not supposed to talk about it, so I won’t. But I can tell you I work night shifts with some really nice people and I’m enjoying it.

Next up is that a member of my family is in hospital, again I’m not going to dwell on it because right now I don’t want to. I’ll come back to that when it’s more appropriate and when I have the right words to say. I just hope that my family know how much I love them and how I’m only ever a phone call, text, e-mail, facebook message, bus ride away.

And finally brings us to the weekend. It was my Nana’s 70th birthday and so we went to Pontins in Brean Sands for a family weekend. It was amazing, funny, tiring, drunk and filled with memories and songs from my childhood.

This is a photo of just some of my cousins…..yes, there are more than that!

I also got to spend some time with my siblings, all three of them in one place at the same time!! That’s no easy feat as we all have  busy lives right now.

And lastly, it was my birthday. I’m the big 23. Twenty three years old. Me. Jeez. I guess I really am an adult now, even though there are days when I’m watching anime, sewing felt animals, making cakes and feel like a child. My husband and my family made the day great. I felt so loved and was seriously spoilt with a new bag, make-up, crafty things, books, manga, pug make-up bag and glasses case, shoes, scarf, money and jewellery… I love my birthday.

This week is also our wedding anniversary – one whole year. Holy cow, hasn’t that come around quick! I’ll be writing about that later this week, but I still can’t believe I’ve been married a year, and that neither of us has killed the other.

© hannamonika.com

So that’s why I have been away from my lovely little blog. I hope you’ll forgive me and my sporadic posting. I am still here and I will still keep blogging even though you’re probably all fed up with me by now!

So what’s new with me?

Things have been a bit hectic for me lately and I haven’t been around on here as much as I want to – but I am trying.  I’ve been sharing my creative writing stuff with you and while I am getting page views, I’m not getting any feedback. I’m kind of taking that as a good sign – if it was really crap you’d tell me right?

So the other day I explained the thought behind my creative writing and I talked about the first one I wrote ‘The Flower Maiden’ which kickstarted my collection She Is Not Silent. You may have noticed that I haven’t shared that one and that’s because I entered it into a short story competition and I didn’t want to jinx myself.

Well I found out yesterday it’s going to be published.

I know I know, I can’ believe it either. Now before anyone gets too excited – I’m not getting paid for it. But considering how I didn’t even think I’d get picked I’m not bothered about not being paid. I feel like in some stupid way I’ve been validated. My friend Ash and my husband will tell you that I love writing but I hate sharing. I have this horrible fear of feedback, comments and being judged on something which is personal.

But since running this blog, again which only Ash and the husband knew about in the beginning, I feel like I’m becoming more confident. The messages I get off people are so supportive and wonderful that it keeps me going. You can ask my husband, every time I get a like, a re-blog, a retweet or even a bloody view I squeal and get excited never mind the comments and personal messages!

Did I also mention two people mentioned my blog to me at a university social event recently? One is a close friend of Ash’s so I thought maybe she was doing it to be polite, but the other was a girl I had one class with last year and have barely spoken to since. That genuinely made my night! So thank you.

And in return for your kindness and support I’ve decided to be a meanie. I won’t be sharing ‘The Flower Maiden’ on here with the rest of my collection and if you want to read it – you’ll have to buy the book which is a collection of short stories and will be available in August courtesy of Onion Custard Publishing. You can check out their website here.

However, to make up for my meanness I will still be posting the rest of the collection here. I’m still tweaking and editing a moment, but very soon you’ll be able to read my take on Eve, Delilah (written especially for Ash) and Snow White.

I’m also still working on my romance novel – Mills & Boon is my aim so just got to keep going (although I wouldn’t turn down Piatkus Fiction either!).

Here’s a little peek so that you know I am actually working on it:

So thank you again for your support and I hope you stick around!

She Is Not Silent – Still Just a Beast

I’m in love with a fairytale I admit to myself. I close my book; run my fingers over its engraved linen cover gently, my hands shaking. My heart pounds as I hear him bellowing my name. I can hear his footsteps thudding in the corridor. He may no longer physically be a beast, but he still makes me tremble. He is not a man, he is an animal I remind myself and looks can be deceiving. The doors fly open and he comes storming in. He towers over me, a wild look in his eyes. This is the man I married. This is my happy ending.

I clear my throat and try to straighten myself, act like I refuse to be intimidated. This fairytale hurts, my happiness was meant to be eternal. The curse was supposed to be broken; I gave everything to fix him. If I show him weakness now it makes everything worse. He pulls me to my feet by my arms. Coming close to my face he shouts “Have you been fucking the servants?” He’s screaming now and spittle hits my cheek. I feel anger, how dare he? I gave up everything for him, I was going to leave my small provincial life and travel the world. I was going to be free.

It was the servants, Lumiere and Cogsworth, who persuaded me to stay when I could have left. It was them who fooled me into thinking you were capable of love, I think to myself, indignant at his accusations. I love a beast, an animal, a creature incapable of love. And yet I’m faithful and I stay. I was promised a fairytale and yet here I am. I tell him calmly, say that he’s mistaken and nothing has happened. But he refuses to believe me. He starts pulling all my precious books from the shelves, tearing out sheaves of paper and breaking spines. He truly is heartless, this husband of mine.

When he cannot destroy any more he leaves just as quickly as he came. I can hear the servants scuttling out of his way in the hallway as he growls at them. He’s frustrated. He expected me to break down, weep and beg forgiveness. I did nothing wrong but in his eyes I am eternally guilty. I sigh to myself and leave the room; I cannot bear to look at the pages strewn across the floor. My adventures, my magic, my dreams of far off castles with dashing princes and beautiful princesses are shredded and covering the carpet. They crumple under the weight of me as I reach the door; they rustled and groan briefly in protest under the weight of this monstrous marriage. The house is silent once more.

Out in the gardens I try to control the silent rage that has been building for months. I take a deep breath and gag. He has filled the courtyard with rose bushes as far as the eye can see. Their sickly scent is cloying and it feels like I’m swallowing syrup. They’re everywhere. Their suffocating smell and the full lush red petals that are all in bloom are nothing but a reminder of his curse. He is tormenting me, ensuring that I know it’s all a façade. He is still just a beast. And I still will not leave.

How do I stop the broodiness?

I mentioned last week about feeling like I’m failing in life because everyone else around me is achieving things in their life that I thought I would be too, and I realised that I will – just not yet.

One of the things I touched upon was the fact that a lot of my friends have or are having babies and how that makes me feel.  I want a baby so bad. I’m broody. So broody that sometimes it feels like it hurts. I cried at the Robinsons advert – the one where the child grows up too quick? But I know now is not the right time, I know that. But when I see my niece being a nutter or my nephew’s gorgeous face I just sigh and think ‘I want this’. And feel sad.

Luckily it helps that I know my husband is just as bad, it means we’re both being responsible and that’s a good sign of how we’ll co-parent when we do have kids. It also means that when we do eventually decided to have a family – it’ll be more special because it will be much wanted, waited and prayed for. But right now I need some advice on how to cope with this overwhelming urge to pop out sprogs.

A lot of the advice I’ve read says to spend time with kids and do something where you’re working with children. I have spent time in two primary schools, one secondary school and I volunteer with two youth groups twice a week which includes camps and weekends away. And yet it doesn’t go away. Yes – I feel exhausted after doing these things and sometimes I hate to admit it but I do think ‘Thank God I don’t have kids yet’ but that’s a small percentage of the time. The other 95% of the time I get home and spend the evening telling my husband about all the funny/silly/stupid things that were said and done and he laughs/despairs with me. And then there’s this cloud overhanging the evening because we wish we were talking about our children and the silly things they’d done.

I think it’s time to admit that the broodiness doesn’t go away. That ever since I’ve been settled in a stable relationship and married it’s there, demanding my attention. But I won’t give in and I can’t. Right now is not the right time for us to start a family, I have so much debt that it would be unfair to bring a child into this world and be unable to provide for it and give it everything we could.

I don’t quite know why I decided to write this, someone this week said they were used to me oversharing. But also I thought that I can’t be the only one out there, feeling like this and struggling with it.