Well…..

There’s been a lot going on in my life lately that everything non-essential is taking a back seat. I became an auntie to the cutest looking little girl, I’ve agreed to co-write with an amazing indie author, I’m in two charity anthologies (signed up for a third), I’ve been in a magazine and since I last posted our dog Lilly has settled in well. So life has been pretty full on for me at the moment.

How cute is Lilly?

There are just a few things I’d like to talk about/clear up.

If you’re particularly diligent on social media, you’ll have noticed that I have stated writing under a different name. Now I just wanted to talk a little about my decision to use a pen name. If you already follow this blog you’ll know that I volunteer with children, as a result there are certain things which are and are not appropriate – I probably toe the line more than I realise and may have even crossed it a time or two (dissertation I’m looking at you). But I plan to cross it more in future with my writing.

Now I love what I do, volunteering is so rewarding and never fails to cheer me up – but writing and reading is my world. I felt like in order to have the two I needed to create another me. So I have -sort of. My alter is ballsier than me and braver. She’s more sarcastic and critical, all the things I keep in check in my day to day life. When I write, I don’t think about my ‘image’ or how I am representing another body and when you write adult content that poses a problem. My nom de plume doesn’t care; she’s just stressed about alternative words for vagina and how to avoid the word moist. I am not hiding her from you, but rather protecting my interests in more than one thing, by using another name I’m making sure I can still do what I love and what I can’t live without.

So follow me on Instagram or Twitter if you can find me. I don’t mind- I love meeting people. Just don’t judge me and try to alienate me from the things I love doing (volunteering and writing).

That’s my heartfelt lecture and plea out of the way, now it’s time to get my arse back into gear and blog more.

 

I put a status up a few days ago which had a few of you concerned and I just wanted to let you know that I’m fine. I’m just in a bit of a funk. Well that’s a bit of an understatement, I feel stuck in a huge funk. But it’s okay to not be okay now and again. I know that I’m hitting a low point right now, and my husband and I are dealing with the best way we can. I’m trying to be positive and I’m reminding myself daily about the things I’m grateful for, because somewhere in the back of my depression riddled brain I know I’m lucky in so many respects. But I can’t force happiness right now and I’m struggling. Something has got to change and I’m working on that. But it’s okay. It’s okay that I’m finding everything hard right now. It’s okay that my depression has reared its fucking ugly head because i have a fantastic husband who loves me. I have family and friends but right now it’s too much effort to let them in. I can barely cope with the minimum people in my life at this point.

Yes I have been living in my pyjamas. Yes, it can be days until I remember to shower or even cook an actual meal (an entire stick of garlic bread is a meal right?) and I have completely abandoned the gluten free diet that made me feel better. Online it’s so easy to pretend everything’s great, nothing to see here, move along. But I’m reaching the point when faking it is getting to be extremely arduous and tedious. I took a selfie this week, and the likes and love I got for that made me nearly cry. The fact that I got dressed and put makeup on FOR ME (not for work) was huge step and I know things are on the up. 

So if I’m quiet or don’t reply, don’t be offended just give me space. If I seem off with you I swear I’m not, I’m having a hard time controlling my emotions but I am getting better. I’m just over here digging my way out of my funk with the people who matter most to me and that’s how I need it to be. I am feeling better, but we just take each day as it comes.

So thank you, those who were concerned for me, I’m off to count my blessings and you are all a huge blessing!

 

Rejection Letters

So last night I had another rejection letter…or e-mail should I say. And it stings, like really fucking stings. But I’m trying to stay positive about these things.

I’ve been rejected three times now, twice just because I wasn’t suited and once because of word limit constraints on the anthology as a whole (apparently). So the rejection is getting a little easier, especially when I weigh it up against the two acceptances I have received this year. Rejection is just part of the parcel, I’m afraid. But that shouldn’t stop you and it won’t be stopping me.

I try to always think of the positives and so should you. You have been brave and brilliant enough to have submitted, that deserves a giant pat on the back and a nice chilled glass of prosecco in itself. You also now have a baseline to work from – okay, so this piece wasn’t what they were looking for but maybe it could be better suited elsewhere. Or with a little tweaking you could improve it even further.  This is not the end of you as a writer, and it’s certainly not the end of your piece. Keep going, keep submitting and don’t give up. If it was easy then everyone would do it.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but I guess I’m just letting all my lovely author friends out there know that rejection isn’t the end. Not even close. So don’t let it get you down, take that horrible stinging feeling and use it to fuel your determination. You’ve got this. I repeat: YOU’VE GOT THIS.

So I’ve been pretty MIA lately…

But that was never my intention.

Work is hectic at the moment and I’ve been putting my effort into getting Page One Books up and running with Ashleigh. It’s been going brilliant. We’ve been up for 2 months and the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. We’ve been getting advance reader copies of books, discovering new authors and this weekend we’re taking part in a takeover of a release party. It should be good with giveaways, competitions and plenty of writers/bloggers.

You can join the event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1082341321786073/

Then on the other hand we have Queen Doogal, who is very demanding and cute. We think she may have some separation issues as she hates to be alone and will cry and become destructive if left alone. As I’m typing this, she’s curled up on my leg. Somedays she’ll sit on my arms, or my laptop – so I use it as an excuse not to work. Which is bad, I know.

Here’s a picture of her highness, I know if you’re my friend on Facebook you’ll have already seen it, but I can’t resist sharing again.

I know none of this is an excuse for not being on my blog, but I am trying. I’m just trying to get other aspects of my life sorted and in order first. I’ll keep up with the creative tit-bits, because I’m still working on my writing – in fact, I have a piece of flash fiction I’m in love with and am working on extending. I wish I could share it with you but I’m entering it to an online magazine.

So I’m still around, albeit less than usual.

 

 

Christmas and New Year have come and gone!

I hope you’ve all  had a brilliant Christmas and New Year. This year we had a really low key Christmas as I was working Xmas Eve until 7am on Xmas morning. So I slept for a large portion of the day- which after any night shift is bliss! I didn’t get to see all of my family and friends over Christmas like I normally do, which was a bit rubbish, but I know they’re there for me no matter what and understand that I have an oddly hectic, tiring, busy life.

New Years was spent with some of my favourite people and so I know this year is going to be a good one. I’ve not made any resolutions as such because I never really stick to them- they’re always the same, loose weight, do more fun things and be happy. But I’m already happy and trying to lose weight. So this year I’m going to set myself some aims in terms of what I’m doing with my life rather than just keep drifting along.

So here are my five aims for the year:

1. Finish Teddy & Gabe’s tale – I keep waiting for them to finish it for me, but given they live in my imagination, it’s just not going to happen is it!

2. Keep working on Page One. I’ve managed to convince my partner in crime Ashleigh, (you can read her blog here: ashleighisms.wordpress.com) that once we get our blog followers up we can start a Facebook page, with giveaways and competitions alongside the usual fabulous stuff we do. But for now you can check us out here: pageonebooks.wordpress.com

3. Go to France! My husband has a family member in France and we keep saying we’re going to go but we’re always too broke. But this year is the year. I’ve had enough, we’re booking it and we’re going.

4. Go to London with the girls. I really want to see the Alice in Wonderland exhibition in London and spend the weekend drinking cocktails and shopping – so I’d better start saving now!

5. Finish a rough draft of Black Magic Girlfriend. But after I finish my other one as I’ve been working on that longer.

Have you made any resolutions or set yourself any goals? I hope this year brings you all the wealth, health and happiness you need!

 

 

 

My advice….

Now if only I followed it myself.

I’m trying to motivate myself to do more blogging and writing, but seem to have hit a brick wall. I tell myself, and my friends, ‘You’ve got this’ a lot – it’s almost like my stock phrase, so now I’m trying to be confident and believe it.

I’m still here though, and you can find me over at Page One with Ashleigh. We’re currently doing our 12 books of Christmas challenge and you can join in!

Procrastination for the nation…

So with regards to writing, I haven’t been doing much lately. Working nights literally sucks the energy out of you. It’s like a poisonous snake that wraps itself around your brain and slowly sucks out all the good ideas and any ounce of effort you have left. Therefore, I got NOWHERE with NaNoWrimo despite have all the best intentions and my book plan and having set a dedicated time to get up and write.

And now, I’m procrastinating by telling myself I need to redecorate my office into a Hannah approved craft/writing friendly space. In reality I think I just need to get my arse in gear and write even when I don’t want to. I think that maybe setting myself deadline and targets on here would help push me.

So I’ve decided that by next Monday, the 3oth I will have:

1. Finished and edited my Chapter 11
2. Written a creative writing piece for the lovely GENCAS people
3. Written at least one more blog post
4. Worked on my other idea for a book (whether that be a chapter/a plan or what I don’t know yet)
5. Gotten Page One up and running (more info to come)

If I haven’t done these five things by the 30th then it’s official: I’m a lazy cow.

After Christmas writing should be a little easier to manage because I’m getting a tablet (I know – I’m crap with technology but I have to move with the times!). The Amazon Fire is currently on sale for £49.99 and I can take that to work and keep it on me, meaning that I don’t have the added extra of having to type up all my notes from my notebook. Then I can post, save and send directly which should, theoretically, make everything simpler.

Work are also trying to bring in a rolling rota, so I’ll know exactly when I’m working which is a bonus as I can plan my writing around that then too.

I love writing and now that I’m an ‘out of the closet writer’ like Ash said, it’s time to start putting more serious effort in. I love doing this and I need to stop pushing it to the back of everything. I genuinely think that without my blog and my support network (you know who you are) then I wouldn’t have bothered with writing, the short story competition and I wouldn’t be considering a Creative Writing Phd. It’s funny how life works out sometimes, I always thought I knew what I wanted. But I didn’t. I only wanted what I thought I was allowed, but now that’s all changed.

 

 

I’m still here

Yet again I’ve been rubbish at this blog stuff. Adjusting to my new job has been really hard work because I work strange hours. I’m literally a zombie in the day, can’t be bothered to write, think, get dressed or even eat.

I’ve written stuff for the blog and creatively, of course I have. But it needs to be typed up and edited before it’s posted. So please just bear with me while I adjust.  I have two crafty posts coming up and some baking ones. So I just need to get my arse in gear and sort them out.

I also wrote a piece about being married a year and on how we met, so expect that to come up too. I haven’t forgotten this blog – I promise.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder… right?

I know, I know. Yet again I’ve left it ages since updating my blog. But once again I’ve had so so so much going on in my life.

Let’s start with the obvious: the dissertation.

I handed it in…. and I handed it a day early. Yayyy! I am so very relieved to have that done and out of the way. Here’s a picture of Ash and I just before we handed it in. It was a huge weight off my shoulders but it also came with a feeling of ‘what now?’. It didn’t feel real.  A year of hard work has culminated in a 20,000 word document  entitled ‘ The Evolution of Erotica in the 20th Century’. And now it’s over.

So now what? Well that bring me round to the second reason why I’ve been absent – I have a new job. Now the codes of conduct and all that jazz say I’m not supposed to talk about it, so I won’t. But I can tell you I work night shifts with some really nice people and I’m enjoying it.

Next up is that a member of my family is in hospital, again I’m not going to dwell on it because right now I don’t want to. I’ll come back to that when it’s more appropriate and when I have the right words to say. I just hope that my family know how much I love them and how I’m only ever a phone call, text, e-mail, facebook message, bus ride away.

And finally brings us to the weekend. It was my Nana’s 70th birthday and so we went to Pontins in Brean Sands for a family weekend. It was amazing, funny, tiring, drunk and filled with memories and songs from my childhood.

This is a photo of just some of my cousins…..yes, there are more than that!

I also got to spend some time with my siblings, all three of them in one place at the same time!! That’s no easy feat as we all have  busy lives right now.

And lastly, it was my birthday. I’m the big 23. Twenty three years old. Me. Jeez. I guess I really am an adult now, even though there are days when I’m watching anime, sewing felt animals, making cakes and feel like a child. My husband and my family made the day great. I felt so loved and was seriously spoilt with a new bag, make-up, crafty things, books, manga, pug make-up bag and glasses case, shoes, scarf, money and jewellery… I love my birthday.

This week is also our wedding anniversary – one whole year. Holy cow, hasn’t that come around quick! I’ll be writing about that later this week, but I still can’t believe I’ve been married a year, and that neither of us has killed the other.

© hannamonika.com

So that’s why I have been away from my lovely little blog. I hope you’ll forgive me and my sporadic posting. I am still here and I will still keep blogging even though you’re probably all fed up with me by now!